Some of the most helpful insights that come my way occur during heart to heart chats with friends, in locker rooms no less, which seem to rank right up there with hair salons as effective soul-searching venues. Last night at the gym some of us stumbled on the value of letting go of needing control over our lives. I’ve heard the argument before, “Let go and let God,” but this time I heard it with new ears. I was changing my work habits, so for me this conversation was not a stumble but a dive into affirming the destructiveness of fear in keeping me from achieving my career and relationship goals.

My friend from New York said, “For all the worrying I’ve done in my lifetime, it got me no further. The problem was still there. I had a job with the government for 12 years. The negativity of the environment was dragging me down. I had to get out. And you know what? I quit the job and never missed a mortgage payment.” I felt a surge of hope and excitement that mindset could bring about such speedy change, which I knew, but I didn’t have enough examples.

I get so much from working out with women from all over the world; their experience of tough times gives me a wider range of viewpoints, along with proof that my problems are not unique. We are more alike than not, despite our differences.

I know I need positive-thinking people around me, and finding them involves choices. I can control those choices, but I need to leave their outcome to God. He does what is right for me in His own time. My job is to hang on to patience and flexibility. And faith.

This locker room story addresses a strategy I had adopted that very day, speaking to me in a new way because I was ready to hear it. This strategy – revolutionary for me – was to reprioritize my goals. My children and significant others have always come first. And yet at the top of my TO DO list I always wrote “Career” because I have less demonstrated experience. I’ve been a volunteer for more years than I’ve brought in income. And without greater trust in myself, I feel more urgency for my publishing goals to work out fast. But I sabotage myself; the pressure to get it all done slows me down. Then a few days ago, something made me pull out an index card and write ” Kids and Boyfriend” first and “Career” second. I was finally listening to my heart, not my fear. It wasn’t impossible to achieve because I already had number one! I was reminded of my neighbor who shouted to me over the fence that the reason she worked so hard was so she could play – take her kids on trips. But until yesterday, I didn’t plan play time. I felt I had to put career first, not seeing I already had abundance, in and from those I loved. Relaxation didn’t have to happen by default, by diverting from my goal and then feeling like a slouch. I had been stuck. Making career my top priority had only pulled me down.

Yes, mindset is critical to success. The book, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Dr. Carol Dweck, was suggested to me by my friend Paula, a former academic dean of a girls’ school. My understanding is that it’s about raising children to take risk and achieve, and how praise can make them satisfied and not keep striving to grow. I bought a copy today for a baby shower this weekend. A gift of knowledge lasts longer than a box of diapers, thankfully.

My new mindset is not rocket science. I expect it to motivate me to work harder and take more risk, so the weight of my goals won’t paralyze me. With family first and career second, when I send off a query and proposal, I will remember that rejection by an agent isn’t anything when you have family behind you. This makes it easier to ignore the negative voices in my head that say, “This is too hard; I’ll never get there!” I can let go of wishing I could control the outcome.

A few hours after I started writing this, I was driving out of a parking spot when a man I’d walked out of the building with came up to my car. With a big, curious smile he blurted out, “What do you think is going to happen with health care?” He told me he was a surveyor, had gone through his savings and now was using up his 401k. He said, “Even if health care doesn’t pass (after the President’s speech tonight) we will be OK.” His faith was so unshakable, it stunned me.

We need faith whenever we find the courage to start over, whether it is creating and advocating a new health plan or adopting a new way of looking at our own priorities. And between us, we really can devise ways to get there that motivate and sustain us all.