Whoever said “It’s not what you say that counts but how you say it that’s important” was right.  

Tone is everything. 

Webster’s Dictionary defines tone as: “A manner of speaking or writing that shows a certain attitude on the part of the speaker or writer, consisting in choice of words, phrasing, etc.” 

Right now I’m struggling with reading a particular newsletter because the tone grates on me so much I can’t get past it to absorb the content. Though it comes highly recommended by writers, I’ll give it up soon because I have plenty of other options of learning what it teaches. Besides, I don’t want its tone to rub off on me. 

Sometimes we tolerate a disagreeable tone because we see other advantages in staying the course. The reason I’ve stayed with the newsletter is because I like the feeling of community I get. A newsletter is a minor example of compensating but other areas can be more critical to finding a good tonal match, like satisfying a client, or being satisfied by a contractor.

When do we tolerate a tone that isn’t good for us and when do we move on? 

There are times when a tone becomes irritating because we’ve outgrown the level of subject matter and everything appears patronizing, infantile or just plain uncomfortable. Time to move on.   

These observations aren’t rocket science. You know all this because you make tonal decisions all the time without being aware of it: choosing a new friend, a work environment, a neighborhood, a merchant and a school. Sometimes it is the individual’s tone that is inappropriate, usually resulting from emotion; other times it can be a cultural issue.   

Can you name the tone you project in your speaking and writing? Do you get good feedback? Do you seek out feedback and listen when it is given? What qualities do you admire? Do you demonstrate them? Do they help you reach your goals?

Not long ago I learned about tone the hard way by hurting some folks. It was a painful lesson and shocking to me because I value sensitivity over nearly everything else. I was taking a stand and the issues were delicate. I apologized and the people were forgiving. I won’t make the same mistake and it has made me more understanding when others say and do things in ways I don’t understand.  

The only way I know to communicate clearly and gently is to be as respectful, kind, open and honest as I possibly can. Your favorite tones may be totally different. I’d like to hear what they are if you have time to drop me a line: maryann@seagullwriting.com